I spoke to my mother before sharing this because I thought I vacated my senses. Those who know me (really know me) know I'm happy and content with my single life and have no desire to change my status. Well, tonight I realized I do miss having someone in my life. I actually wished I had someone in my life!
Those emotions consumed me while I was outside washing my car and taking the trash out. Amazingly, once I finished those man jobs and got back in the house, I came to my senses. Must've been the heat! Scary Halloween-like thoughts!! More like...
I loved being a wife - supporting my husband, waking up with the chickens to prepare his breakfast, being available to fix a quick lunch if he dropped by, having dinner ready for the family when he got home from work - simply being there for him and being his wife was my pleasure, but some odd things began to happen...as I like to say, "Life Happened."
"a woman should have enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…"
That day came for me. I made a decision to leave my 20-year marriage and realized I might have to get a job although I was retired military. I could definitely live off my retirement pay but that would be too close to living from paycheck to paycheck. I didn't want to simply survive or barely make it, I wanted to do some things and go some places.
Yes, I could have stayed in the marriage. After all, we invested 20 years of our lives to each other and built a family around the love we had for one another but was it love or were we tolerating each other for the long haul? Twenty years is a long time. Something kept me there, right? What was it?
If you know anything about the fermenting process of making wine, you'll understand me when I say the press on my life after leaving my 20-year marriage hasn't been easy, but it's allowing me to rise above the pain, endure the press and reach towards what was meant for me - the promise.
After years of posting about being a wife and mother, it feels a little odd posting as a mother only; however, in February of this year after being separated for almost three years, I filed for divorce.
If you've followed my blog, you know I'm a big be a "good wife" advocate. I've stressed the importance of being a loving, supportive, forgiving and patient wife and I've been all those things plus faithful and understanding. I could probably name a few more "good wife" character qualities I had, but none of it would make any difference now - my marriage is over.
Please don't feel bad or sad for me. I'm happy. It feels like I just got out of some type of sports tournament where I played my heart out and gave my all, yet still lost the game. The only difference is I don't feel like I lost - I won. I found the courage to walk away from a twenty-year marriage and start over with my head high and feeling free. I mention this in my latest book When All Hell Breaks Loose, but I don't go into details because that's the next book.
I'll be sharing more...
I awoke extra early this morning and was led to pick up one of the ten books on my bedside table. It’s not really a table, but a two drawer file cabinet I use as a table. The book, 40 Days of Decrease: A Different Kind of Hunger. A Different Kind of Fast was where I was directed. This book was referred to me by a friend’s mother who had no idea God was dealing with me regarding fasting. The season of Lent is upon us and although I don’t participate in Lent, the book by author Alicia Britt Chole has definitely been food for my soul. In the beginning of the book, Ms. Chole expresses something similar to my “worship is a lifestyle” mantra. She explains how Lent/fasting shouldn’t be a timed project, but a place we stay - something we practice on a daily basis.
Lent shouldn’t be selfishly picking and choosing things we want to refrain from, yet should lead us to practice discipline and living in oneness with our God. After all, if we’re honoring the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, shouldn’t that take a little longer than 40 days or a 3 day fast from chocolate or bread? Wow, I thank God for this enlightenment and I thank God for using my friend’s mother to bless me. It never ceases to amaze me how God will bring people in our life to be a conduit for his love and knowledge.
As I fast (decrease) from selfishness and pride, my heart is opened and my blessings are increased in ways I never imagined. Today I am thanking God for the loving hearts of women in my life willing to share their wisdom.